Although I vowed soon after college that I'd be single for the 2 year TFA committment, it was clearly broken early on. The intention behind this broken vow was to take time away from all the drama that in retrospect is so silly and not worth the lost time. But that was all lessons learned, I should hope.
For the past few months I've been working on becoming more my own person, discovering my strengths and trying to improve on weaknesses. Finding the small, subtle pleasures in the outside meanderings along the beach. Having chance meetings with strangers who offer a sliver of their life experience that is often so different from mine. Enjoying long obnoxious singing in car rides from work. Cooking and baking. Not holding myself back from goals or desires.
Despite all this and more, I hate to admit that there's been this niggling restless feeling in the back of my mind. As much as I strive to be Miss Independent, I often fall back into my old habits on wanting something more. I've felt trapped in relationships before, and it's not missed. I just want to appreciate this independence fully because goodness knows that now is the best time to do absolutely anything.
Living in LA has its perks because I have a strong network here and family. However, I'm convinced that it's not the place for me in the long term. I should be grateful that I hadn't come across a real winner of a guy here because I fall hard for people. Unfortunately I've also become much more cynical towards men in LA. I'm not saying all men are like the vapid, superficial ones I've met lately. They're just somewhere I haven't been, and I should be happy to not be more distracted. I don't want to be looking, and relationships are intimidating now, yet I can't stop wondering and waiting sometimes.
A slow learner when it comes to social situations, I at least am willing to continue striving for a happy balance between desires.
"Haven't met you yet" by Michael Buble comes to mind. What a great song!
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Lemontea, what is it that you want more of, exactly? Companionship or a romantic relationship?
ReplyDeleteThere is definitely a lot of superficial people in LA, men and women. It's easy to fall into this trap because everybody is so caught up in being beautiful/hip/popular/social/the next biggest thing. I don't know if men are different in other places, but I guess I'm going to find out in August (I'll let you know what I think then!).
You shouldn't want to look for a relationship because you won't find it. Take the time to spend on yourself and when you meet the right person who's also ready to make a commitment, it'll happen. Both of you have to be in the right place/time though.
I'm content being single, but don't think that I don't get lonely. The prospect of moving prevents me from being truly emotionally available to anyone, which serves as THE ultimate cockblock for me. In short, I can't commit, don't want to feel = relationships for me are a no no.
I know what I'm saying may not help too much because you've heard it before, but you'll find yourself in a relationship once you've found somebody worthy. For now, busy yourself with the company of family and friends. And you TOTALLY have my number!
Shopgirl, thanks for your post! Honestly, I don't want a romantic relationship. I'm far from ready and want to avoid the possibility of stagnating in one. It probably is companionship that I want, but I'm not trying to look for a committment... it's just hard to balance the bouts of loneliness with personal goals. There are so many friends and family around that it's become easier. I've just been so used to being with someone since 16 that it'll take some time to fully adjust, though progress has been made. These feelings come and go, and last night was just a brooding night where these undercurrent feelings had to come out.
ReplyDeleteI do see the importance of focusing on the self, pursuing career goals and personal interests, and that helps so much. And it's comforting to know that you're just a phone call/text away :).