Sunday, October 31, 2010

Who'da thought 40s and stuffed bell peppers would be inspired by the film called Douchebag?

It's Sunday night, and I should be in bed right now but will take a few minutes to reflect on recent memories. Last weekend (pre-Halloween), I was in a very rainy, cold yet still beautiful SF for a brief vacation/interview on Monday. I stayed with my close friend who I'll call CCL (for crazy cat lady), nicknamed with affection. Please skip over the next section as it is for my own record keeping of a great weekend but might not entirely make sense.
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Friday night: landed after 7 PM, got a ride to the city, ate dinner at Limon (Peruvian rotisserie restaurant), had vegan coconut chocolate ice cream at Birite (because everything else had eggs in it), then bar hopped in the Mission.

Saturday noon/early afternoon: meandered in the Richmond district to buy a walnut red pepper spread, half a loaf of whole grain bread (like real whole grain), and lettuce to create a simple lunch of Caesar salad (with tofu-based dressing), bread with walnut spread, and leftover butternut squash soup. Topped off with Maccha green tea... so simple but healthful feeling and pure.

Sat afternoon: played a bit of piano and made instant friends with CCL's roommate who was a piano minor and quite talented; then did a Charlie Brown dance; went to 24 hour fitness for a 2.5 hour workout (which I never do unless my friends just linger); short detour at RW's house where he showered and changed and CCL and I sampled delicious baked apples; ate pho for dinner; went to Bob's Donut shop to watch the Giants win the pennant with some local SF quirky folks; watched Douchebag and then inspired by the movie, bought forties to have at the apartment. Throughout this eventful night.... I was probably the only person in the city gallivanting the streets with running shorts on and trying not to freeze (think: 3:30 PM to 11:30 PM).

Sunday: Lunch at Pakwan in the Mission, then more Birite ice cream, then Painted Ladies in search of Full House, then working at Peet's, playing piano while CCL made amazing stuffed red bell peppers (also inspired by Douchebag) stuffed with Israeli couscous, plus roasted squash and onions on the side and brown rice. I love food. This followed by more piano playing and even some basic Chinese conversation.. which never happens.

Monday: U o P interview.... we'll see how that goes, hopefully I will know by December. I thank the stars that it was not raining since I was in a suit/dragging luggage in public transportation that day.

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Now, this past weekend I did not go anywhere on both nights... which was unplanned and unintended. Despite disappointment and feelings of "meh" all Sunday, I feel much better now. Normally, my moods get worse as the weekend nears the end, but I think this weekend is the exception. Granted, on both nights I was able to practice piano (keyboard) rather intensely and began to feel reconnected with the instrument. But it was still hard to shake off this whiny feeling of not getting to go out. I'm over it now, and plan to make up for it next weekend.

It was a slow process to get over it. I slept in today, it was a beautiful day, but I wasn't smiling inside. Even after cleaning my room and kitchen, even after finally getting the knitty gritty done with the last supplemental application, riding bike along the beach for an hour, I wasn't fully perked up. It's times like these when I really struggle with what I feel and with what my brain tells me, that there's really no big deal going on so why do I feel so blah? That level of self awareness sometimes makes it harder to bounce back.

Time always helps... and as the day went on I could see more the fruits of my labor. I went grocery shopping with the intention to cook stuffed bell peppers for the whole week, cooked them, then met with coworkers to plan out a full lesson. I'm pretty happy with how the peppers turned out actually. And there's some roasted squash on the side too.

Thinking back, I got a lot of small tasks done today that I had been putting off for weeks. It feels good to know that I was so bored/alone for half the weekend that I had to just get up and do something, because goodness knows I wouldn't when I'm having fun.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Feelings make me feel weird.

Having a sudden urge for chicken noodle soup, I chasséd into the kitchen and reached for the can collecting dust in my cupboard. I plunged my hand into the dishwasher (it's where we keep clean dishes) for my housemate's can opener. Hm, not electronic, I thought. That's ok. I can bleed people--I can open a can! I would place the can opener parallel to the brim, allowing the blade to touch the very edge of the surface. Fixated upon the handle, simple, repetitive torque applied should do the trick.


Needless to say, I threw the can opener back into the dishwasher and shoved the can into the dreary crevices of my cupboard. No, seriously, I don't really know what's back there.


I had glorious, restful sleep last night, after several nights of insomnia. Of course, that means that my brain refuses to turn off tonight. It's 1:22 AM and I know I want to go to class tomorrow. Bright and early, 8 AM. I suppose I could be studying for my histology "quiz" on Monday, but that would be too productive and my brain despises productivity.


I started seeing a therapist to discuss my insomnia and my pending ADHD status. What started out as a conversation about my difficulty sleeping and concentrating suddenly turned into a survey of my commitment issues and fear of intimacy. I sulked into the leather couch and knew we weren't going to be focusing on my ADHD evaluation anymore. Feelings. Ugh, we are talking about feelings. There is no conversation topic more awkward to me than my feelings.

Therapist: Anytime you have a feeling, I want you to write it down so that we can talk about it the following week.

Shopgirl: Um, ok, what kind of feeling? A good feeling? A sad feeling?

Therapist: Any kind of feeling.

Shopgirl: Ok, because... I mean--I have lots of feelings, I guess. And I mean, when you say 'any kind of feeling,' that's kind of vague. Like, hunger. I mean, that's a feeling. And you know, sometimes I get really hungry. And when I get really hungry, I get upset because I still can't believe that I haven't eaten.

Therapist: Well, I want you focus on your deep-rooted emotions. For instance, how you feel when you feel wronged, or how you feel when something wonderful happens.

Shopgirl: When I feel wronged, well, yeah, I feel wronged. I mean, what am I... huh?

Therapist: Just write it down.

Shopgirl: Okie dokie.

I didn't want to lug my 10-pound journal and grabbed the smallest notebook I had lying around. This notebook happened to be my 4" x 8" American Medical Association spiral notebook. It even has a quick medical reference guide! That way while I'm documenting "feelings," I can memorize handy values like normal blood cell and SGPT/ALT-7 counts.

Ready to get in touch with my "feelings,"
Shopgirl.