Having a sudden urge for chicken noodle soup, I chasséd into the kitchen and reached for the can collecting dust in my cupboard. I plunged my hand into the dishwasher (it's where we keep clean dishes) for my housemate's can opener. Hm, not electronic, I thought. That's ok. I can bleed people--I can open a can! I would place the can opener parallel to the brim, allowing the blade to touch the very edge of the surface. Fixated upon the handle, simple, repetitive torque applied should do the trick.
Needless to say, I threw the can opener back into the dishwasher and shoved the can into the dreary crevices of my cupboard. No, seriously, I don't really know what's back there.
I had glorious, restful sleep last night, after several nights of insomnia. Of course, that means that my brain refuses to turn off tonight. It's 1:22 AM and I know I want to go to class tomorrow. Bright and early, 8 AM. I suppose I could be studying for my histology "quiz" on Monday, but that would be too productive and my brain despises productivity.
I started seeing a therapist to discuss my insomnia and my pending ADHD status. What started out as a conversation about my difficulty sleeping and concentrating suddenly turned into a survey of my commitment issues and fear of intimacy. I sulked into the leather couch and knew we weren't going to be focusing on my ADHD evaluation anymore. Feelings. Ugh, we are talking about feelings. There is no conversation topic more awkward to me than my feelings.
Therapist: Anytime you have a feeling, I want you to write it down so that we can talk about it the following week.
Shopgirl: Um, ok, what kind of feeling? A good feeling? A sad feeling?
Therapist: Any kind of feeling.
Shopgirl: Ok, because... I mean--I have lots of feelings, I guess. And I mean, when you say 'any kind of feeling,' that's kind of vague. Like, hunger. I mean, that's a feeling. And you know, sometimes I get really hungry. And when I get really hungry, I get upset because I still can't believe that I haven't eaten.
Therapist: Well, I want you focus on your deep-rooted emotions. For instance, how you feel when you feel wronged, or how you feel when something wonderful happens.
Shopgirl: When I feel wronged, well, yeah, I feel wronged. I mean, what am I... huh?
Therapist: Just write it down.
Shopgirl: Okie dokie.
I didn't want to lug my 10-pound journal and grabbed the smallest notebook I had lying around. This notebook happened to be my 4" x 8" American Medical Association spiral notebook. It even has a quick medical reference guide! That way while I'm documenting "feelings," I can memorize handy values like normal blood cell and SGPT/ALT-7 counts.
Ready to get in touch with my "feelings,"
Shopgirl.
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This is going to sound cheesy... but I'm going to say it anyway. I know you are a strong, independent person, but we are all subject to feelings and being led astray from our responsibilities. It's better to face our feelings and figure out what to do next than to ignore them. Easier said than done of course, but it's partially why we have blogs and friends! :)
ReplyDeleteI hope that I can pluck you off the island somewhat soon if our busy schedules allow.... but it will happen for sure and we'll have a great time.
Ya know Marielle, Ignatius of Loyola warned heavily against discounting our feelings. They are there for a reason and can actually give you great direction. I dunno, it seems like the more educated we get, the more jaded we are. I used to look at having sad feelings as a weakness, now I see them as a strength. You know where I stand on all this stuff, especially after our coffee shop discussion. Don't discount feelings, they should not be the deciding factor 100% but give them some credit!
ReplyDeleteHope you are doing well and that we can grab coffee again soon.
-Chris
Hey Chris, thanks for the comment. And sorry for being so MIA! I've been swamped with school life and cannot, for all it's worth, keep track of my personal life.
ReplyDeleteWe'll definitely catch up over coffee. Good ol' Gypsy Den? Love the carrot cake there.
Oh, and thanks, lemontea! So much to catch up on! Winter break lovin' is a must!
ReplyDelete