With a little help...

Last Thursday, I stayed at school until 10:45 PM at night. After a full day of PD, I went to Home Depot and bought paint supplies. I debated whether it was worth the money and time to paint a classroom wall, because there were so many other things to be done such as lesson planning, setting up a digital portfolio, or setting up the classroom. In the end, trying something new (even as seemingly monotonous as painting a wall) proved to be valuable in itself.

Setting up painter's tape around the bulletin boards and four sides of the wall took a very long time. And having only a ladder and radio to assist, sun was already setting when laying down the tape was almost finished. I took a much needed break with a couple coworkers, principal, and pizza and soda. At 8:15, it was pitch black outside and a wall still needed to be painted. At 9:00, coworkers left. At 10 PM, the principal walked in and said she was going to call it a night. I was about half done with the wall and wanted to finish it. I said, maybe I'll stay for another 30 minutes.

Then the principal asked, "Do you need help?"

I was already exhausted at this point, from sleep deprivation, mental exhaustion, and from being at school for at least 12 hours. But she was the principal! She clearly has a lot on her plate already, having stayed at school til late often, after many teachers have left. I didn't want to burden her with my desire for a more pleasing purple wall.

"No it's okay! I can do it."

"No, really, I'm tired of staring at the computer looking at budgets."

"Um......" (I'm really tired and would have wanted help from anyone at this point.)

"Do you have a second roller?" (She's already rolling up her sleeves)

"Um... yes, right here. Thank you so much. I really really appreciate it."

The sheer idea of a principal to stay really late at school, after a full day, to help a teacher paint a wall was just unfathomable to me. I was used to seeing administrators spend less time at school than teachers at my old school. And certainly none of them would have bothered to help a teacher set up a classroom.

We finished the rest of the wall in the next 40 minutes. It was DONE. We were the last to leave, and she managed to make it the next morning to the optional Zumba class at 7 AM at school (taught by another coworker) - when I couldn't, even though I wanted to try it too.

I'm still in awe of the fact that where my new school is still seems too good to be true.

Despite the late night, I am starting to truly understand how dedicated people can be for education. It's empowering and uplifting to see competent, intelligent, hardworking leaders at a school. It is powerful how much an environment can influence the people in it. At my old school, I was a minimalist who cut corners. Here, I see a much higher standard for quality, excellence, creativity, and fun. School is 2 days away, and it feels much less so with this night coming to a close. But never had I made a better decision at that junction earlier this year, where I almost didn't take this job.

And I'm slightly proud of having a soothing lavender purple wall. It's something that I've made personal about the room, and hopefully it can stay for some years before someone else might paint it over.

A serious problem

My head is hurting right now. Probably from screaming frustration in my car after realizing that what happened was purely all my fault, from a very stupid mistake, yet I was directing my unhappiness at other people and it probably showed. One reason I've been avoiding blogging is that I get embarrassed when feeling emo or whiny about something. I don't like to vent over the internet when anyone can see it... but then it might do some good to let out these thoughts in hopes of purging the negativity.

I've been told by friends that I'm smart, a couple even dared to say genius. It can be flattering to be called smart, and I generally want to be considered smart. But at the same time, from my personal perspective at least, it comes at a price. For me, I've developed a sort of tunnel vision and head in the clouds sort of mentality. When too many thoughts and worries enter the mind, I'm often constricting myself into a small space and not seeing the bigger picture.

Here's a list:
1. Often getting caught up in the minute details.
2. Overanalyzing EVERY possible thing, trying to second guess a person's actions or intentions.
3. Being extra hard on myself whenever a mistake is made.
4. Being socially awkward, unaware, or absent-minded.

I'm not saying that smart people deal with these things. I'm only listing some vices that my overthinking mind concluded.

While people and friends may think from my vocabulary or factual recall that I'm "smart," there's really so many levels of intelligence to be had. I used to believe that being book smart was the way to go. But now I've been doubting that more and more. Of course it's a great skill to have, to be able to read and understand difficult content. But for the first 2/3 of my life, I felt so disconnected from the real world that I'm still struggling to get on my feet with dealing with life's unpredictability and the people in it. Even after throwing myself into the teaching world in an entirely different community, even after trying as many activities as time allows, I have so much to learn. I don't even know if it's fair to blame all the "studying" that I've done through childhood and teenage years. Lots of people were book smart while growing up, or at least devoted a lot of time to doing well in school and can still fare well enough socially.

I often don't pick up subtle/obvious observations, such as a person's expressions, feelings, or tone, or simple things such as what kind of floor my new classroom had. Even after I had gone inside a couple times, when another teacher asked me if it was hardwood, I didn't know. Turns out it was concrete, but I had to go back to actually check first. I just don't pay attention to things all the time. Where is the awareness? Where is my common sense? I can remember what the word micelles means.... but I couldn't even realize that I went to the wrong field for the soccer game and didn't realize it until halftime? I mean, come on.

I wish I could have just laughed it off today. But it was an hour long waste of time to stand on a field from 9:30-10:30, hoping to run around and just have fun. But instead, I awkwardly thought that some people in this other team were the same people from the team that I randomly joined.... (I swear they looked the same, and I'm not trying to be racist), and then during the second half NO ONE wanted subs, and they ignored me when I asked if anyone needed one. Maybe my voice gave out, because I don't like shouting across a field to people I'm not fully acquainted with. Either way, I wasted an hour when I could have either gone to the gym earlier in the day, or stayed in and planned for the new school year. I felt let down by my teammates for not letting me play for even a little bit, or even acknowledging that I had wanted to play. In the end, it was my fault for not remembering the field to go to. I only remembered the time and what color shirt to wear. At the end of the game, I was upset at the team, and left with a weak goodbye. But it really was my stupid mistake.

And there's still much to be done before school starts. The classroom is a mess and not set up, and this year no one will be helping me. I want to plan out the first unit completely. PD is taking up 8 hours a day and even with the work time they give, I still feel there's more to be done outside of PD. It doesn't help that I've been getting less than 7 hours of sleep a night, esp when 7 hours doesn't feel like enough.

The sad part is, I was in a good mood before going to the game that never happened. My students during the 2nd year did better on the CST. While the overall percentage is not ideal.... 30% Adv/Prof during year 1, and then 39% Adv/Prof during year 2, to me, feels like a significant improvement. This is coming from a school that's PI 5, Title 1, a dumping ground for expelled students from other schools, has poor leadership and low teacher morale. The year before I came in, the overall school had 15% Adv/Prof in science, then during year 1 it went to 29%, then year 2 to 34%. Of course other teachers contributed to the percentage too, but to me... it made me feel that I did do something for the kids. That all the stress and time was worth it, if it could have given some of them a chance to advance in school. Now I'm just tired, not screaming like I was 1.5 hours ago, but ready for bed.

Tomorrow will be better, but I just had to say all of this.

One thing that Nick Nolte and I have in common.

It's been a while since I'd thrown in a post, but I thought that taking a hiatus from deep, meaningful reflection might do my self-confidence some much needed recovery.

Yet at the risk of more embarrassment (which shouldn't really surprise you if you've ready any of my previous Shopgirl posts), I itch to twiddle away at my keyboard once more.

Unemployed since July 2nd and returning to school on August 6th, I've spent ample time with myself, many times trying to find others to spend time... with... myself. (The only thing I actually planned on doing during vacation was sleep, lots.) I forget that most people do not have the summer off and that most people my age have "real jobs" that they must tend to on a M-F basis. (Go figure.) But anyway, the point is that hunting for friends to hang out with can really do a doozy on your self-esteem, especially if your friends (1) live far away, (2) are extremely busy, or (3) just don't like you enough to make time for you.

Humiliation aside, spending time alone is revitalizing--being lonely too much is self-deprecating. A lack in return, whether it's a phone call, email, or text message, is enough to send your imagination flying. Your brain starts to tinker and concocts the worst case scenarios possible--Did they lose my message? Are they hurt? Did they die?! Okay, maybe it's just my brain and my imagination, but you understand the paranoia, or at least a fraction of it.

It never seems to strike me that perhaps the lack in communicative followthrough is unintentional. Because for me, my communicative return is pretty darn speedy and en pointe. I feel like I have an obligation to acknowledge others in a timely fashion, at the very least enable others to acknowledge that I acknowledge them. After all, it's the very least that I would do for them. (The inner Ron Artest in me screams, "Acknowledge me!" Bonus points if you got that.)

Though this may shock you, not everybody anticipates response the way I do. It's been a hard lesson to learn, and I've swung my sharp tongue only too many times at the detriment of really good friends. I've been described as abrasive (agreed), but bless their little hearts for withstanding my steel wool exterior. (Because really, I'm quite squishy on the inside. Teehee!)

I thought a lot about my close relationships--past and present--and why it is that I go into panic mode at the thought of losing communication. I thought about all the friends I'd lost while moving continents, counties, cities, and schools. And then I came to the conclusion that the reason why I'd held my close friends so tightly with so much anxiety was because I was afraid of losing them. I didn't want to lose them like all the other "good friends" who promised to keep in touch but didn't. As a result, I learned mistrust. Years later at twenty-four, mistrust is still something that I'm dealing with. I have a hard time believing what others say and too often force myself to read in between the lines. I might just be illiterate.

We often times put up defense mechanisms to injure others in hopes that we come out unscathed. But the consequences are usually far from what's intended.

If you're wondering if this is about you, it is.

Humble and apologetic,
Shopgirl.

P.S. Nothing screams "apologetic" more than Nick Nolte's mug shot.