My head is hurting right now. Probably from screaming frustration in my car after realizing that what happened was purely all my fault, from a very stupid mistake, yet I was directing my unhappiness at other people and it probably showed. One reason I've been avoiding blogging is that I get embarrassed when feeling emo or whiny about something. I don't like to vent over the internet when anyone can see it... but then it might do some good to let out these thoughts in hopes of purging the negativity.
I've been told by friends that I'm smart, a couple even dared to say genius. It can be flattering to be called smart, and I generally want to be considered smart. But at the same time, from my personal perspective at least, it comes at a price. For me, I've developed a sort of tunnel vision and head in the clouds sort of mentality. When too many thoughts and worries enter the mind, I'm often constricting myself into a small space and not seeing the bigger picture.
Here's a list:
1. Often getting caught up in the minute details.
2. Overanalyzing EVERY possible thing, trying to second guess a person's actions or intentions.
3. Being extra hard on myself whenever a mistake is made.
4. Being socially awkward, unaware, or absent-minded.
I'm not saying that smart people deal with these things. I'm only listing some vices that my overthinking mind concluded.
While people and friends may think from my vocabulary or factual recall that I'm "smart," there's really so many levels of intelligence to be had. I used to believe that being book smart was the way to go. But now I've been doubting that more and more. Of course it's a great skill to have, to be able to read and understand difficult content. But for the first 2/3 of my life, I felt so disconnected from the real world that I'm still struggling to get on my feet with dealing with life's unpredictability and the people in it. Even after throwing myself into the teaching world in an entirely different community, even after trying as many activities as time allows, I have so much to learn. I don't even know if it's fair to blame all the "studying" that I've done through childhood and teenage years. Lots of people were book smart while growing up, or at least devoted a lot of time to doing well in school and can still fare well enough socially.
I often don't pick up subtle/obvious observations, such as a person's expressions, feelings, or tone, or simple things such as what kind of floor my new classroom had. Even after I had gone inside a couple times, when another teacher asked me if it was hardwood, I didn't know. Turns out it was concrete, but I had to go back to actually check first. I just don't pay attention to things all the time. Where is the awareness? Where is my common sense? I can remember what the word micelles means.... but I couldn't even realize that I went to the wrong field for the soccer game and didn't realize it until halftime? I mean, come on.
I wish I could have just laughed it off today. But it was an hour long waste of time to stand on a field from 9:30-10:30, hoping to run around and just have fun. But instead, I awkwardly thought that some people in this other team were the same people from the team that I randomly joined.... (I swear they looked the same, and I'm not trying to be racist), and then during the second half NO ONE wanted subs, and they ignored me when I asked if anyone needed one. Maybe my voice gave out, because I don't like shouting across a field to people I'm not fully acquainted with. Either way, I wasted an hour when I could have either gone to the gym earlier in the day, or stayed in and planned for the new school year. I felt let down by my teammates for not letting me play for even a little bit, or even acknowledging that I had wanted to play. In the end, it was my fault for not remembering the field to go to. I only remembered the time and what color shirt to wear. At the end of the game, I was upset at the team, and left with a weak goodbye. But it really was my stupid mistake.
And there's still much to be done before school starts. The classroom is a mess and not set up, and this year no one will be helping me. I want to plan out the first unit completely. PD is taking up 8 hours a day and even with the work time they give, I still feel there's more to be done outside of PD. It doesn't help that I've been getting less than 7 hours of sleep a night, esp when 7 hours doesn't feel like enough.
The sad part is, I was in a good mood before going to the game that never happened. My students during the 2nd year did better on the CST. While the overall percentage is not ideal.... 30% Adv/Prof during year 1, and then 39% Adv/Prof during year 2, to me, feels like a significant improvement. This is coming from a school that's PI 5, Title 1, a dumping ground for expelled students from other schools, has poor leadership and low teacher morale. The year before I came in, the overall school had 15% Adv/Prof in science, then during year 1 it went to 29%, then year 2 to 34%. Of course other teachers contributed to the percentage too, but to me... it made me feel that I did do something for the kids. That all the stress and time was worth it, if it could have given some of them a chance to advance in school. Now I'm just tired, not screaming like I was 1.5 hours ago, but ready for bed.
Tomorrow will be better, but I just had to say all of this.
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