One thing that Nick Nolte and I have in common.

It's been a while since I'd thrown in a post, but I thought that taking a hiatus from deep, meaningful reflection might do my self-confidence some much needed recovery.

Yet at the risk of more embarrassment (which shouldn't really surprise you if you've ready any of my previous Shopgirl posts), I itch to twiddle away at my keyboard once more.

Unemployed since July 2nd and returning to school on August 6th, I've spent ample time with myself, many times trying to find others to spend time... with... myself. (The only thing I actually planned on doing during vacation was sleep, lots.) I forget that most people do not have the summer off and that most people my age have "real jobs" that they must tend to on a M-F basis. (Go figure.) But anyway, the point is that hunting for friends to hang out with can really do a doozy on your self-esteem, especially if your friends (1) live far away, (2) are extremely busy, or (3) just don't like you enough to make time for you.

Humiliation aside, spending time alone is revitalizing--being lonely too much is self-deprecating. A lack in return, whether it's a phone call, email, or text message, is enough to send your imagination flying. Your brain starts to tinker and concocts the worst case scenarios possible--Did they lose my message? Are they hurt? Did they die?! Okay, maybe it's just my brain and my imagination, but you understand the paranoia, or at least a fraction of it.

It never seems to strike me that perhaps the lack in communicative followthrough is unintentional. Because for me, my communicative return is pretty darn speedy and en pointe. I feel like I have an obligation to acknowledge others in a timely fashion, at the very least enable others to acknowledge that I acknowledge them. After all, it's the very least that I would do for them. (The inner Ron Artest in me screams, "Acknowledge me!" Bonus points if you got that.)

Though this may shock you, not everybody anticipates response the way I do. It's been a hard lesson to learn, and I've swung my sharp tongue only too many times at the detriment of really good friends. I've been described as abrasive (agreed), but bless their little hearts for withstanding my steel wool exterior. (Because really, I'm quite squishy on the inside. Teehee!)

I thought a lot about my close relationships--past and present--and why it is that I go into panic mode at the thought of losing communication. I thought about all the friends I'd lost while moving continents, counties, cities, and schools. And then I came to the conclusion that the reason why I'd held my close friends so tightly with so much anxiety was because I was afraid of losing them. I didn't want to lose them like all the other "good friends" who promised to keep in touch but didn't. As a result, I learned mistrust. Years later at twenty-four, mistrust is still something that I'm dealing with. I have a hard time believing what others say and too often force myself to read in between the lines. I might just be illiterate.

We often times put up defense mechanisms to injure others in hopes that we come out unscathed. But the consequences are usually far from what's intended.

If you're wondering if this is about you, it is.

Humble and apologetic,
Shopgirl.

P.S. Nothing screams "apologetic" more than Nick Nolte's mug shot.