Friday night ramblings

I've been meaning to come back here so many times, but writing is intimidating. Somehow the thoughts in my head sound a lot better than on paper (or screen). Either way, might as well jump into it and record another moment in a fleeting life. :)

I just wrapped up the fourth week of school and have officially worked full-time for six weeks now. It's funny to hear about how the school year just started for the majority of other people, but for me, I'm starting to get into a routine. There are many kinks in my systems that need to be worked out and figuring out how to manage all the responsibilities (big and small) will always be in the works. Nevertheless, working at this new school has been one of the best decisions I've made. Otherwise I would have stagnated at my old teaching job and not learned much more except how to be more jaded with the education system. Here, I face new and different challenges that will push me to grow as a teacher and as a person. Even if this school is a transitional year to hopefully a career in health care. I'm young enough, with little responsibility to anyone else and can expend the energy and time to develop new skills.

I don't want to believe that my moods are cyclical, especially for lunar reasons, but it feels that way a lot sometimes. Either way, I feel on the uprise. Despite the racked up sleep debt and missed gym times, I feel genuinely reminded of how good my life is. It's so easy to forget that and not internalize the luckiness of it all, instead wishing for better things. While I don't claim misery, it's easy to feel blah and a lack of happiness when focusing on things that haven't worked. Part of this stems from wanting to accomplish more at work and not feeling satisfied with what I've done. There has been some guilt as to not getting up earlier to get to work, but then there's only so much one person can do. Netflix, fun reading, friends, cooking, doing anything else besides work is essential, even if I still feel a little guilty trying to fit some "me" time in.

Over the past couple months, I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and (shame to admit) frustration at singlehood. Although the freedom couldn't come at a better time, and now that I've been single longer now than ever before, I felt silly for wondering and waiting for something to come along. While I'm perfectly capable of spending my days alone or with family and friends and will continue to do so, there have been moments where I'd sit and wonder if there would be anyone out there for me. I know, people look at me and would scoff that there's many more years to go, and I completely agree. It just can get a little weird when I try making acquaintance with a stranger only to find that he is a tad younger than I am. As each year passes, then more potential acquaintances will be younger. But then, oh well.

Part of the frustrations of single-hood was not just the fact of being single, but being annoyed with always knowing that I'm watching for the so-called "one" or even just someone dateable. I mean, shouldn't I be frolicking with all this freedom of choice? No one to tell me where to go or what to do (besides work)? No one to negotiate with or compromise with? After all, if I follow society's patten, then give some years and I'll be tied to a house, kids, a marriage, and a lifelong career. Heavy stuff! And certainly not ready. So why was/do I feel ready to latch on to someone? These times will certainly be missed in the future, so why not enjoy them to the fullest now?


At least today, I feel much better about this freedom. I've been reading a lot of books lately for the time I have, and a few simultaneously. It's a random selection but gives a glimpse to different realms. I went beyond the normal taste and read Watchmen, for one thing. Perhaps it wasn't savored as much as it could have been, but I felt like my brain would rot a bit if I spent more time on it. Not to say it isn't a classic, but I doubt I'll read other comics that movies were based off of (Sin City, V for Vendetta, which both impressed me). Then there's a super girly book called "It's called a breakup because it's broken," written by the same author as "He's just not that into you." I have to say both books are enjoyable reads! Even though they have such common sense advice, it is reassuring to read it delivered in such a witty, understanding way. These books are helping me reshape attitudes towards singlehood after all. Then there's "How to Slice an Onion" and "A Whole New Mind." So many good books, so little time!

A Whole New Mind is an amazing book. It speaks to a side of my brain that I've neglected or felt incapable of culturing. Although the left and right hemispheres can be easily seen as black and white, they can't be divided so easily. It's hard to explain. Either way, I've felt very L-directed all my life and would like a change. Working as a math/science teacher at a school of design gives me a slight identity crisis (though not really). But it does give some food for thought - how do I interest a bunch of students who feel that they can't "do math or science" into believing that they can and will? How do I, as an individual, who felt more comfortable and majored science because of how her parents' backgrounds and culture set her up for it, break out of simple linear thinking and see the world in a different lens? I don't want to forsake my old way of thinking, but be able to appreciate the design and culture more in depth. It's hard. I chose L-directed thinking because while material seems very technical, it requires little creativity and I didn't have to put forth effort at improvising.

It'd be nice to know how to put together a toolbox of skills and talents into a product that says, this is me. Even something as simple as improv dancing, or just having more witty conversation, instead of choking up when someone throws a curveball at me. I guess that's what I really want. I guess that's why I signed up for more hip hop dance classes, even if it's expensive, and will hope for more chances of salsa dancing with friends, or even I dare say, an introductory class at a pole/burlesque dance studio. It's for female empowerment, I swear! And thanks to Groupon.