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| "Sorry I'm not home right now. I'm walking through a spiderweb, so leave a message and I'll call you back!" Anybody remember that song? No? Ok, fine. |
Shopgirl: Scooby, we have a great time together, but I'm just really busy.
Scooby: I don't understand. I feel like you're avoiding me. I mean, when I ask you to hang out, it's like you're purposely trying to avoid me.
Shopgirl: It's not that I'm purposely trying to avoid you. You can't call me one day and just expect me to be free. When I tell you that I'm busy, I'm legitimately busy.
Scooby: What about when you're not busy?
Shopgirl: I don't know, Scooby--I don't have free time often, but when I do, I just want to be goofy and do stupid girly things.
Scooby: That's what I'm trying to figure out. I mean--why can't we do goofy stuff together?
Shopgirl: Scooby, you don't get it. You're demanding. We're not even committed to each other and you are already expecting too much from me.
Scooby: No, no--that's not true. I think you're being a little condescending.
Shopgirl: Huh? Scooby, please try to understand. I can't give you what you want. I don't have a lot of free time, so I--
Scooby: I do understand. What I don't get is why we can't together enjoy some of the little time you have.
Shopgirl: Because if anybody is going to get any of my free time, I want to savor every moment.
Scooby: Yeah, isn't that what we have?
No, this is not "Confessions of a commitment-phobe, Part Deux" (see "Confessions of a commitment-phobe"). Contrary to what my nearest and dearest might tease me of, I'm no ice princess. My refusal to commit is perfectly valid for this reason: I don't have much free time, so if I'm going to share any of my free time with anybody, I don't want to have to explain myself. In fact, I don't have time to explain myself.
Maybe this reason is a bit unreasonable for some, but I cannot imagine committing to someone who needed a one-hour explanation for fundamental principles I live by. In addition, my time is divided amongst many people. That makes men jealous. Most people I spend time with are men. That makes men even more jealous, but I can't help it if I grew up a dude in a girl's body.
The point is, it's not about making anybody jealous. It's not even about playing elusive or hard-to-get. This may be shocking to some, but not all women are looking for a boyfriend. (And please don't misconstrue the previous statement as something equivalent to "single female looking for a bedtime buddy" or lesbianism. Yes, I get this question often, if you must wonder.)
According to many men, I'm a difficult person to share a commitment with. My response? I'm inordinately busy and need a truly confident partner. That is--he's got to understand that while I don't have much time to give, the little time that we do share is time savored and undeniably appreciated. Please let go of your insecurities--my gratitude is real and obvious, if not explicit. I don't sugar coat--in fact, I don't have time to sugar coat.
So what about Scooby and me? We are just incompatible. Do I ever wonder if I'll meet my match? Often, but I'm not on a treasure hunt. Nor do I care for fool's gold.
Thank you for putting up with my ramble. I despise writing lengthy posts, but I know you were absolutely torn about my not posting for months. (Lucky you!)
Likely to celebrate Single Awareness Day 2011,
Shopgirl.
P.S. If you were wondering, I left my teaching career to learn the art of penile catheterization.
We'll celebrate Singles Awareness Day together! And enjoy it to the fullest! :)
ReplyDeleteI like the comment about fool's gold too. Hope the penile catheterization isn't going too awkwardly, but I just wanted to type that phrase anyway.
Haha, SAD (this acronym must have been created by people in relationships!) 2011 it is!
ReplyDeleteSurprisingly, penile catheterization is less awkward than catheterizing the little female urethra. I think a part of my brain exploded when my instructor told me to jam it in faster. Or how about when he told me to part the lips with more force? :(
It seems to me that your attracting the wrong kind of guys.
ReplyDeleteIf one is to believe what you wrote, not just in this post but others as well, men are needy egotistical mamas boys with an inferiority complex.
Now my question: is your "commitment-phobia" due to meeting this kind of guy, or are you really just scared? Question for both of you...
Hey Anonymous, thanks for the insight! You know, yours is a question I often ask myself. This question in itself leads me to ask the following: Is it where I am? Is it who I'm subconsciously selecting and in effect weeding out? Is it me?
ReplyDeleteEmpirical evidence suggests that men hitting women up in bars and clubs = bad news. Furthermore, men dig girls in bookstores and coffeeshops. Lastly, men "great on paper" don't always translate well in real life, particularly in dating. All in all, I try to be smart with where I meet men--location often times, though not always, hints at their intentions.
Are all men "needy egotistical mamas boys?" Not at all! But yes, they do happen to be the majority of the kind I attract. I always wonder where all the good guys are, and then I remember how I haven't always been so good myself.
Lastly, am I scared of commitment? Hell yes, commitment is scary to me. I have lots of difficulty sharing myself with someone--call it a trust issue. Even in my last relationship of six years, I don't think I was capable of giving myself fully. Emotional incapability is where I'm at, which beg the following question--do I attract emotional incapability because I'm emotionally incapable myself?
Where do you stand on relationship commitment?
You know, let me retract something. No, I don't just attract emotionally incapable men. The problem with attracting emotionally capable men, though, is that I always seem to push them away. I really don't mean to, especially when I meet an amazing guy, but I can never shake the thought that this guy is just too good to be true.
ReplyDeleteBelieve me, I know my experience with scumbags is a poor representation of eligible men. If my ego is as big as I think it is, I hate "losing," so I have become very good at tweaking situations to get my way. That said, I can't say I've ever been broken hearted because I never let myself get attached.
I know, it's pathetic. Get the "ice princess" nickname?
I wouldn't call it outright pathetic, I'd say it's a natural defensive action. I know cause I do the same thing. I've never been able to hold a relationship, EVER, and anybody I get close to I tend to push away. Then again the girls I tend to date arn't always the sharpest tool in the shed.
ReplyDeleteHemingway said: "Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know." The more I think, the more this quote makes sense. The "common" (I use common here cause I know I'm different, somewhat weird, but hey that's part of my charm) person has some pre-set ideas of how things should work. Taking you as a quick example, you don't feel the need to explain your reasons. Totally understandable, but how many men are comfortable with that idea?
Just my thoughts anyway..
PS. I choose to remain anonymous for know. Maybe in the near future I'll let you know who I am. It keeps the conversation less biased
Hey Anonymous, why do you think you push girls away? Do you think that you're meeting the wrong kind of girls or do you have a fear of commitment yourself?
ReplyDeleteTotally agree with the Hemingway quotation. Though I wonder if ever you'd like to revert back to a time when you were "less intelligent?"
Regarding having preconceptions of how a relationship should work out--I can understand how they can be important. I think it's critical to know in which ways you're willing to compromise and which ways you're not. However, I don't think that such preconceptions are rules to live by. I think they're more like guidelines, tried through experience.
So when you ask me if men would be comfortable with me not wanting to explain myself--let me clarify. I do think it's ok for men to get to know me by asking me questions and respond to them. That's natural when you're getting to know each other. What I hate is when conversation is forced. I don't want to have a conversation with someone I don't like having conversations with over topics that I find to be non-conversational. (Of course, this is different with every person I talk to, and it's different when talking to friends, strangers, or prospective dating material.) It's about being incompatible. Some things flow with others and some things don't. I find myself to lose patience when I have to go to extremes to explain who I am. (But I do explain, nonetheless--just because I think I owe it to that person to explain.) It's rare to meet anybody who takes you for face value, despite any shortcomings.
So I assume that we know each other? Glad you tuned in. :)
I think you missed my point. I was trying to point out that it's harder for the more intelligent person to interact socially with other people. Learnt through experience. You touched on it briefly: "It's about being incompatible"
ReplyDeleteAm I scared of commitment? I don't know. Haven't been in a situation where I could test the theory.
Honestly, girls bore me. To be more exact, girls I go out with bore me. No matter how attracted I am to her, if I'm not challenged in any way then I don't find any reason to stick around.
No, I understand your point. I should have thought more about the quotation or elaborated, but I was distracted at the time.
ReplyDeleteI liken the "burden of knowledge" to the prolific words of P. Diddy (then Puff Daddy) when he said, "Mo' money, mo' problems." The more you have of either, the more expectations are demanded of you.
I don't think that means that the knowledge or money itself is what causes misery. I do agree with you in that generally, the more intelligent person has more difficulty with social interactions. However, I think that statement is really complicated in itself. You have to wonder if such a person ever learned the appropriate social cues or is burdened with demands. Or perhaps this person "knows so much" that s/he lacks the ability to truly connect with others? We could go on about this!
I don't know if I feel like my intelligence has brought me to a state of social isolation. But maybe I just haven't reached that Hemingway state yet!
I can see your point about being bored with girls who don't challenge you. I feel the same way about guys who don't challenge me.
Sorry for all the disorganization in my responses--I'm really, really sick and am coughing my lungs out. Hopefully I'll be able to respond with something more coherent soon!
Wow, it looks like I missed the boat on this conversation! Shopgirl, I do hope you feel better soon! And I don't even want to think about the female catheterization.... and what do you practice on?? Mannequins?
ReplyDeleteHonestly I went through a series of stages over the past year, from raw heartbreak to spiteful pessimism towards the male race, to denial, to loneliness at being single (most recent and simmering down). And while this loneliness may come and go, I’m taking a more optimistic view to genuinely celebrate this time in my life where I’m making an income and answering to no one else except yours truly.
There will always be real fear of getting hurt again, but I don’t think it would hold me back if I found someone who seems worth it. I don’t want to push someone worthwhile away because I’m too afraid, and it’s easy for me to open up to someone. I think my problem is jumping the gun too early and thinking that someone who’s even the slightest bit compatible is someone to commit to, when that isn’t the case.
At this point I'm a little tired of wondering about what could be with some guy. There comes a point when I realize that it'll boil down to some form of chemistry between 2 people that can't be explained. Ironically, there's nothing scientific about it at all which is hard to reconcile with a very left-brained way of thinking. I want to spend my energy focusing more on honing my teaching skills, reading, exercising, Netflixing, and truly enjoying the present because really, I am so lucky to have everything I do now, the people, the health, the freedom, and snippets of free time to pursue my whims and interests. Still, I know it'll be a battle between going back to wondering about relationships and pushing those thoughts aside.
As for the Hemingway quote, I definitely agree with it, and I think that intelligent people feel the burden of the world on them. I guess we just have to seek a balance between pursuing intelligence and meaning with pursuing life’s simple pleasures and finding enough opportunities to just enjoy! That is my current quest.
What are life's simple pleasures? In my opinion that's very optimistic, but then again I'm a recovering pessemist. I find that I cannot enjoy short term success/pleasure as they wane in comparison to the larger goals, which are constantly changing. So you the dilema I'm in.
ReplyDeleteI think this also affects my social relationships (hence the Hemmingway quote).
"Social Isolation", I'd be comfortable with it if being lonely didn't suck.
Again,
all this from a recovering pessemist
lemontea, don't feel alone in your confusion with the dating scene. Even if the chemistry between two people was unequivocally "perfect," external pressures, like poor timing, can still weigh in as heavy burdens.
ReplyDeleteTo me, simple pleasures are things like enjoying a long walk, having time to read something pleasurable and not for academic's sake, playing my guitar... things that remind me that I'm still a person that needs to be nourished by all the senses of my being and what ingenuity/imagination I can manage to writhe out of my brain. I think that such simple pleasures are important to keep in mind while being vigilant on broader, more long-term goals. I never want to do anything and regret what I'm doing at the moment. As the saying goes, c'est la vie!
As for the concept of "social isolation," what exactly would you want to change about your current state of isolation?
To understand what I mean, I will have to define what I mean by social isolation. It's not that I'm a loner its just at parties, gatherings, whatever, I can't find a common topic that I would feel interested in. I would end up letting other people carry the conversation and pretend to be interested. Alot of times I'm happier jumping on my Xbox and playing games, as it keeps my mind stimulated.
ReplyDeleteYou mentioned that you "can't find a common topic that [you] would feel interested in." What about topics you enjoy that others might find interesting?
ReplyDeleteIf you're happier on your Xbox, I don't see anything wrong with choosing that over mindless, purposeless conversation. Personally, I'm easily bored by small talk but also realize that it's important to build small friendships.
I'm usually a very quite, reserved, opinonated person which I find doesn't do well in social situations. I'm very different to most of the people I end up socialising with. So there are very liitle topics of common interest. And there is always the fear of sounding like a douche. Being very opinionated I sometimes tend to express my views strongly.
ReplyDeleteAs you can probably tell I got a few issues. I'm having a tough time working through them, but I'm trying
Anonymous (WHOA, sorry for the late response!), it's ok, I'm pretty confident in knowing that we all have issues. In fact, that's why I see my therapist every week. "Respond, not react," she says.
ReplyDeleteIn terms of finding topics of common interest with others, I think maybe if you start by getting to know that person, that might ignite some kind of curiosity, which I would hope, could propel some kind of lasting conversation.
My belief is that people are really interestingly strange. You just have to get them to share their strangeness with you.