Lessons from Lil Wayne

Pillows stacked behind me, I'm propped up against the wall, with feet secure in my blanket, left hand on the keyboard, and right in a bucket of animal crackers. Playing hooky can be exciting, except when you're coughing out pieces of lung. I'm wearing cerulean pajama pants splotched with obnoxious neon blue goldfish. My granny-panties are so loose that I'm pretty sure I could use them to catch air and go gliding. My hair sits on top of my head in a bun reminiscent of a sea urchin. Of course, I tidy this 'do up with licks of saliva and a pinstriped headband. Three words: epitome of sexy.

George Hamilton

I'd been feeling lethargic for the last few weeks and thought I'd get a panel of metabolic blood work done. Good news is that I'm not anemic (I have a history of iron-deficiency anemia); bad (?) news is that I'm vitamin D deficient. Bizarre, considering that I live in Southern California, land of skin cancer and George Hamilton wannabes.

Anyway, I decided to take my doctor's advice and headed to the pharmacy. I sifted through bottles of vitamin D supplemental goodness. Gel caplets? Pill form? 400 IU? 2000 IU? I'd better ask the pharmacist.

I hunched over to the counter and asked for my prescription cough syrup.

Shopgirl: Also, could you tell me which of these bottles of vitamin D is--

Pharmacist: No, you don't want any of those. [He shimmies through the counter and promptly returns with another bottle.] You'll want this bottle instead.

Shopgirl: [I look at him blankly.] I'm sorry, what's the difference?

Pharmacist: [Blinking twice through his Mr. Magoo glasses] Well I suppose you could buy this bottle of 400 IU. But then you'd have to take it three or four times a day. Or, you could just sit out in the sun.

I wasn't sure if he was kidding but decided that his serious face called for serious action. I opted out of the lesser quantities of vitamin D and purchased my promethazine DM and Nature Made vitamin D, 2000 IU per pill, which, by the way, is five times the daily requirement.

I spent the rest of the day in a floaty haze, high as hell off of cough syrup. I passed out around 10 PM last night and woke up at two in the morning with an everlasting hacking cough. I reached over to my side table for my promethazine. No time to get a spoon, I thought. I twisted the bottle cap off and took a healthy swig. This must be what it's like to be Lil Wayne!

Lil Wayne, probably sippin' on some
sizzurp. Note that there is a "C" tat-
tooed in between his eyebrows. May-
be he forgot his initials.

I remember sitting on an airplane, reading an article about Lil Wayne and how he was addicted to cough syrup, or rather, sizzurp. Oh, that's what that is? Something about getting high off of "grape" or "cherry" flavored Robitussin or Dimetap seemed... I don't know... clever? Really? No, not really.

It's lunch time and I just took another swig of the stuff. It really is convenient not having to carry a measuring cup or spoon around. Time for a nap!

Sippin' on some sizzurp,
Shopgirl.