Bromance, Not Growmance?

Ok, so it's a lame title. But 'tis definitely a question of the times. I can guarantee you that every young woman has pondered variations of the following two questions:

1. What's up with the bromance? and
2. Where do I fit into the bromance equation?

Men, before you jump on me with answers that sound something like "uh" and "duh," can you let me try to answer these?

Let's start with question number two. Ladies, it's a bromance for a reason. That would imply that the following is true: bro + romance = bromance. Stating the obvious? That's because it is. Bromances can only occur between bros and must, absolutely must, exclude the uterus-bearing sex at all times. Men need their time to talk about sports, current events, exploits of sorts, not to mention time to grunt, scratch balls, and slap male booty indiscriminately. The reason why we women cannot and should not participate in this totally hetero tango is because men still need the time to be themselves. As much as you want to believe that you are all that your man needs, you know damn well that you're lying to yourself. Give each other some space and know that you're doing the right thing.

The answer to that question may seem obvious, but I see friends struggle through this issue all the time. For example, how about a true story? Here's a young couple, in love and in a perpetual honeymoon state. They rarely make separate appearances and even go to the restroom together. Um, ick? Space is important, especially regarding matters of the toilet. Albeit, this example is certainly an extreme case. The moral of the story is that participants in couples should have their own lives, own friends, own hobbies, not to mention their own toilet schedules.

So what's the remedy? Ladies--continue having your ladies' nights. Gentlemen--continue having boys' nights out. Staying connected at the hip is a sure way of suffocating each other and potentially driving each other away.

Onward to question numero uno. This one I find to be tough and impossible to answer. Throughout time, famous bromances have allowed us to redefine what kind of relationships are appropriate between completely heterosexual males. We all have an idea what a bromance is and how it looks like, but maybe the best means of describing it is better left to mentioning noteworthy examples. Here are a few of them--Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson; Wayne and Garth; Bill and Ted; Notorious B.I.G. and P. Diddy; House and Wilson; and Siegfried and Roy...? Ok, maybe the last one isn't so hetero, but you get the picture.

The reason why I bring this up is because of the strange dynamic between men in these bromances. Men seem completely open to divulging any matter regarding superficial interests but hiss at the thought of sharing feelings and their innermost thoughts at the risk of sounding emo. That's what I don't get--what's wrong with sounding emo with the best of your buds? Isn't that the point of the almighty bromance--to establish a safehaven for each other, where you can be yourself and not worry about being judged?

Take for example a group of men well into their twenties. They discuss sports, politics, work, new cooking techniques, and the like--but fail to ever discuss their relationships with women. Men, what is it that you're afraid of, exactly? Are you afraid of being judged based on who you're dating or pursuing? Or am I missing the picture, and do you purposely omit your dating details for the sake of keeping your romantic relationship sacred, free of insightful comments like "no way my girlfriend would do that" and "that's what she said?" Or rather, is it competition, or fear of competition? And if so, with whom?

Whatever the reason for the bromance-related emotional ambiguity, the end result seems to point to stunting in emotional growth and well-being. Such issues then beg the following question--if we as women can't expect you to connect deeply with each other--nonetheless yourselves--how can we expect you to connect with us at all? I know men well into their 30s still trying to figure this one out.

Men, are we as women then forever doomed to wonder about the kind of emotional baggage and inhibitions you carry with you? Or do things eventually start to click? Please tell me this happens before the age of 30 and that the 30-year-old men I know of are just bozos and completely unrepresentative of your gender. Otherwise, the only men in my life that are going to remain are either one of two things (or both): relatives or gay. Tragic? I know.

Sincerely curious and definitely not male bashing,

Shopgirl.

The Emergence of the 30-year-old Virgin

A good girlfriend of mine is dating a man who I can only describe as a 30-year-old virgin. Don't let his title fool you--he is an intelligent and charming fellow who seems fully capable of bedding a woman. And yet, he has chosen to wait for sex until marriage.

Commendable? Of course. Bizarre? Absolutely. Nowadays, voluntary asexuality is perceived as either a myth or consequence of denial. It's like Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, and fat-free, zero-guilt dessert. We all hope and want such things to exist though more often than not admit that none of the above could ever possibly just be.

The question now is--why? I don't know many women who are still virgins, so why should I expect the infamously more promiscuous sex to differ?

As we grow up, we're socialized into gender roles and the types of behaviors that we're expected to exhibit. While men learn to become the pursuers, women learn to become the pursued. (Yes, I'm generalizing.) In high school, boys discuss which girls they are going to ask to the Prom, while girls wait anxiously to be asked. (In American society, it's become normal to assume that men have become the aggressive hunters while women assume a more passive role in courtship. Of course, these expectations have changed over time, and these changes have become more transparent over time. Women can mostly agree that we play an integral role in courtship. As in--it's a fallacy to assume that we just lay back and take it!) In our twenties, we hang out at trendy bars and clubs, where young women such as myself can usually expect Mr. Wrongs/Mr. Right-Nows to spit out pick-up lines more stale than their dirty underwear.

So where am I going with this ramble? Women are used to being pursued by men. Empirical evidence suggests that pursuits are usually for sexual advancement. The emergence of the "bro" and the "guido" have only worsened the cause. That said, herein lies the confusion--how can women tell if a man is sincerely nice or is being nice to get into our chonies?

Guys have a bad rep. Even nice guys have a bad rep, by virtue of their gender. So men, how do you overcome the growing cynicism directed towards you from the fairer, lovelier sex? And women, how do we learn to trust our chivalrous counterparts?

Looking forward to Single Awareness Day 2010,
Shopgirl.